All day yesterday I felt like I was walking around in a kind of surreal dream -- like there had been some sort of mistake. Surely by now I would have had one girl? Just ONE girl?
But I watched the DVD again with the kids and it's pretty obvious what it is. I almost yelled at the ultrasound tech when he paused and said, "Do you know what that is?" Um YES, I've seen a boy on the screen THREE TIMES BEFORE.
I give myself pep talks. They work until I think about how I wanted a friend. A break from Legos and trucks and trains and dinosaurs. Until I see something yellow or pink. Or until I remember the dress. The booties. The hat. I started to make them for gifts for others having girls. I put them aside, thinking maybe some day I would need them.
Or I hear the name Elizabeth. My middle name which I thought would make a great name for a baby girl. Or I think of the name Millie. I've loved that name for years -- Seven Brides for Seven Brothers was my favorite movie growing up.
Or I log onto Pinterest or my Google reader and am inundated with girl crafts, girl advice, girl sewing (I have now unsubscribed from many blogs. It's not worth it).
To those who say, "You'll have granddaughters some day," that doesn't really help right now.
To those who say, "Boys are more fun/easy/etc," well, you have a girl so you can say that.
To those who joke, "Maybe the next one will be a girl," YOU try spitting every 30 seconds for 9 months.
To those who say, "You do a great job with boys," wouldn't we have done a good job with a girl?
To those of you I know and love who cannot have children, I'm very very sorry I'm so
depressed over this. I know how blessed I am to be able to have a fourth
baby. I will love him so much and cuddle him and treasure him and try to raise him right.
Just let me mourn a dream for a while.
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10 comments:
Big Hugs. I love you
You and JB would do great with a little girl! I'm sorry you won't get the chance to share your fun style and cute crochet projects with a daughter. I know you will cuddle and adore your baby boy but I think it's okay to be disappointed. Share your favorite books with your boys and teach them the things you would have taught a daughter. They may or may not love "Anne of Green Gables" but they will love the time with you, and knowing how to sew a button is a life skill everyone should have.
Ditto what Bekah said.
We must go out and share some dessert. As that is what I do when I'm sad. And I'm sad you're sad, so cheesecake it is. :)
PS. You're a wonderful mom and that little boy is very lucky.
I thought about you all day yesterday!
Another boy...AWESOME!!! I too thought this might be your girl....but hey, you have such cute boys...now you are going to have another one to add to the bunch. I am excited for you both!
((( HUGS ))) If it makes you feel any better, I was pretty devastated when I found out I was pregnant with Griffin. Too soon, much, MUCH too soon. I told myself that my ways are not God's ways. I knew it was a blessing to have another baby. But I was still not happy about having two babies at once. Of course, I love Griffin to pieces, and I can't imagine life without him. But, I understand the disappointment... ((( HUGS )))
Oh Mary... I can totally feel your emotion in this post. I can imagine the disappointment too.
But on a lighter note I have to say, 'you try spitting every 30 seconds for 9 months'... those words will give me a good chuckle for a couple days at least. :)
Oh, Mary! I'm sad for you! It would have been so fun to see you with a little girl and I know you would have done great with one. I also think it's okay to feel sad and it's okay to grieve the loss of that hope for this one being a girl. No matter what anyone says, a loss is a loss, even if it's a loss of a potential something or someone. We dealt with very real grief before deciding to adopt. The blessings since then have been very real and wonderful, but I'm glad we grieved the loss of potential biological children at that point before taking that next step.
Love you! Hang in there.
I remember waiting in the car when my mom went in for her last ultrasound. When she came out she was in tears. Very seldom did I ever see my mom cry growing up. We were all disappointed not to have a brother. It's interesting to think of that moment because from birth Raquel has been my mom's favorite (she won't admit it but we all know it) and I can't imagine it differently. There is a something special with a family of all one sex as siblings. There's always a friend around. Time will heal!
Mary, I get it - I give you all the room in the world to mourn and especially loved your "you try spitting every seconds for 9 months" comment. I also get the weird comments -when we were having our third and had two girls, Todd's sister said to him, "I just can't see you doing well with boys." What was that supposed to mean? Hopefully our three boys will survive us :) I am however so excited that we are due so close! Of course yours will probably come early and mine will be late, but think how much fun they'll have at our reunions! Wish I were there so we could go out and chat and make some cool boy stuff together (though my crafting skills pale in comparison to yours). Sending lots of love your way!
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