I have had a hard time of it these days. But I think it is finally time to share, so that others facing depression don't think they are all alone, or that there is something wrong with them.
This has been buried beneath the surface for a long time. But it all came bursting out over the summer, when I was deeply hurt over something very close to my heart.
I overheard a family member say that the name Millie "just felt right" for their upcoming baby girl. It is the very name I had talked about to them many times as what I would name a baby girl, if she ever came.
I had an extreme physical reaction. I felt betrayed, confused, hurt, angry, sad and bitter. I couldn't eat or sleep well. I lost weight. I would cry for long periods of time. My stomach would churn and my heart would race. The doctor told me those are anxiety attacks.
This went on for a long time. My older sister and doctor's office urged me to seek medical help and counseling, and I'm glad I did.
Therapy is helping me deal with the depression over the fact that I want a daughter so badly to join these brothers, but don't have one. I felt God had abandoned me, didn't love me, was punishing me: "Sorry, sucker, I even gave your name away. You are never getting a girl, but you'll have to see one named Millie at every Sunday dinner."
Through several months now I have been working on this. On forgiveness. On feeling better. Waiting upon the Lord. I am so grateful for those in my life who immediately respond to a text-cry-for-help. For my husband who tries to be a voice of reason to help me, but also finds ways to provide the empathy I need.
October has helped; the LDS General Conference sessions were full of messages that strengthened my faith again. And I finally saw the baby. When my kind and observant father-in-law brought her from across the room to me, I realized two important things:
1) Her name is not actually Millie, it is Millicent, after an ancestor of theirs.
2) She has dark hair and looks like her brother. God did not give my baby to them.
It's a journey, and I keep trying to write the happy ending for myself while still in the middle of it. I'm not completely at peace yet, and I know many people carry heavy, heavy burdens -- this may not seem like a big deal to them at all. But I'm learning that this depression is not my fault. Chemistry and hormones sometimes get off, but help is there. And I'm learning that God does love me yet.
some resources that have helped me:
Anything and everything by Dr Brene Brown
"Waiting Upon the Lord" by Henry B. Eyring
"Choose to Believe" by Whitney L. Clayton
"The Lord Seeth Fit to Try His People's Faith" by Gene R. Cook