on grief

Last week, my brother Joe and his wife Susan lost their longed-for baby boy too soon.  20 weeks and four days. Her water suddenly broke a week earlier, and we prayed and fasted for a miracle.

The boys asked me about it often as we went through that whole week. Then I had to find the words to tell my children that their cousin Gavin had been born despite everything, and then he passed away after an hour.

So tiny, so perfect.

Joe and Susan are heartbroken.

What can you do in the face of such sorrow and grief? What can you say? I cannot make this better.

On Friday will be a graveside memorial service for this tiny baby. Several siblings and my parents are coming in from out-of-state.

Over the years I have done a lot of pondering on prayer. Why bad things still happen despite all our pleadings to God. Is there a trick to prayer to make the outcome different?

I know He listens to our prayers, but I wish I knew why some are answered and some are not.

I know He is in charge, but he's not a puppetmaster. We are here to experience all that mortality offers.

I know there are times when I have seen and felt the comfort He gives, when the timing is different than I have wanted.

Sometimes I try to see the end from the beginning, like, "Ok, this is why this is happening, to learn such-and-such lesson, or to help so-and-so, or whatever." I try also to jump to feeling better, or making it better for someone who is hurting. Stuffing the sad feelings down.

My coworker, who is Orthodox Christian, pointed out that, yes, Christ will not leave us comfortless, but now is not the time for me to be pouring out empty words of comfort. Now is a time to grieve.

And that's ok for now.

Head bonk

Millie Grace...is not very graceful right now. She is head-heavy like toddlers are, and feels no sense of danger.

One Monday a couple weeks ago she stood up in her stroller, and it tipped her right over onto the driveway.  It was so sad.

It was a big big goose egg and scrape, even after I iced it for a while. I was only able to hold the icepack there and to calm her crying by nursing her (even though I am trying to cut back on the nursing).

The next day the swelling was down but the scrape was showing up (I kept texting pictures to my mom and sisters so that's why I have a daily look at it).

This is the third or fourth day as it scabbed over.

By Saturday at Andrew's baseball game it was getting better.

And by the next Monday it was disappearing.

But she has a pink spot of new skin there still today. One woman asked if it was a birthmark/stork bite.  

Spring Sing for James

Jamesy did a great job in his preschool's annual Spring Sing. We have been in this room for Ben at age 3 and then again at age 4 (then no more 3 year old program) and for Andrew at age 4. I imagine Millie will go to this same preschool in two years and three months.

His part had to do with the elephant:

It's great to be an elephant

All big and fat and round,

And wander through the jungle

Just elphing around

JB was on a 2-night camping trip in Southern Utah with some guy friends (a yearly event) but we recorded everything for him. Then we had treats on the playground.

Elephants were my favorite animal growing up, I couldn't help but take this picture.

I was worried that James would melt down or refuse to speak or sing or whatever, but he was so sweet and good and smiley. His preschool teacher Miss Mindy says he does a great job with her. Maybe she can give me tips. Come to our house.

At any rate, he and I have started to go to counseling/play therapy once a week because I have been in tears too many times to count over his behavior in our home and to our family. He has so much anger, so many outbursts, so much tantruming. I am praying we can turn a corner soon.

Shopping buddies

These squeakers are JB's shopping buddies.  After the big boys go to school on Mondays, JB often goes grocery shopping for the week.

Or, he'll wait until James goes to Preschool on Tues,Wed,Thurs and just takes Millie-girl.

Then he sends me pictures of them, because our children are so cute.

I think they are well-behaved for him. I know it stresses me out to take James because he asks to buy everything he sees and gets mad at me when I keep repeating "Not today."

It is easier to shop alone. I get the feeling that when school ends in 10 days, almost 13-year-old Maxwell might have some one-hour babysitting jobs at home for errand-running.

James bike riding

James has had a Strider bike for a couple years, and has scuffed the toes of many shoes along the way. 

Last month, I picked up a bike for my brother that he found on the online classifieds, and it was ours for a week or two before Joe came up to claim it. It was just James's size, and he just took off pedaling. 

It only took a time or two of me helping him start and stop and me running down the sidwalk behind him. This is in contrast to a lot longer process for the other boys. My neighbor commented on how many springs she has seen me running up and down this sidewalk behind a bike.

I am a believer in the pedal-less balance bike now. It was an easy jump to a regular bike with no training wheels. But now he doesn't want to use the next size up that we have, he liked Kaylee's bike. It's ok, he still fits the Strider.

Softball

JB is on a softball team again this year, and for the first time in what fees like a few years, we were able to go watch him play during an earlier game Thursday night.

This view of these two boys watching their dad play, took me right back to when they were itty bitty and we used to watch him play all the time. Like in April 2008 and July 2008 with a Baby Benny and toddler Maxwell and my old flip phone camera.  Or July 2012 at this same stadium with my stair-step three boys at the time.

Now we have another boy, and a little girl to watch daddy. And play on the playground (another post is coming about that sad forehead bonk you can see).

Lunch dates

Do you know what's really fun? Seeing your kids in their element, among their little people.

Back in March, after flying to Seattle for the weekend funeral, I had Monday off work, so I used it to go visit two of my boys at school and eat lunch with them (I wouldn't have made it to the middle school for Max this time).

Andrew thrives off of making people laugh and joking with his friends. I was amazed that he finished his food.

I brought lunch for James and Millie and me. James was thrilled to have a Capri Sun of his own (he always begs for them but I rarely give in). Millie must have been stuffing her cheeks with something yummy below.

Then we went out to play with Andrew on the playground with the rest of the first graders. When the bell rang and he ran back inside, it was time for the fourth-grade lunch and we went back in to be with Ben and then back outside to play with him.  This is the only picture I grabbed, of him playing basketball with a group of boys. He ate quite quickly so he could get out to the court.

He sometimes comes home with scraped or bruised elbows or knees. I have also had to mend a lot of Andrew's pants from his play. That's ok, it's a good thing!

Fire trucks

I will be 80 and still turn around to point out fire trucks to non-existent kids in the back seat.

So imagine my surprise and my kids' joy when we saw trucks parked and available for tours beside the field during Andrew's baseball game on Saturday.

Girlie LOVED it. "Guck! Guck!" she exclaimed while pointing at the trucks.

After I got her out, she tried to climb back in.

The big boys were not there with us, but may have been too big/too cool to climb in. Andrew and James jabbered away into these headsets in the back of the wildland fire fighting truck. "I copy, do you copy? I copy, do YOU copy?"

And then these headsets in the back of the ladder engine truck.

They got to take turns practicing with the hose.

The ladder went up into the sky as we were watching Andrew's game.

Once I finally started watching Andrew play, I realized we should work more on his swing at home in our backyard.

BYU Women's Conference

Last Friday, as I try to do almost every year, I attended one of the two days of BYU Women's Conference.  

I take lots of notes, I crochet a hat in-between times to donate, and I come away uplifted and well-fed spiritually and physically (BYU brownies or Cougar Tails are always part of the trip).

I loved the beginning session, where the speaker talked about the WHY of the gospel versus the what and how. If I can get back to the why reasons, then the how it all happens will fall into place.

Being with these two sisters the whole day made me want to hang out with them more. They are so funny! And kind and creative and thoughtful. And it made me miss my sisters in other states (CA, KS, MO).

I liked the session on the Sabbath Day (often on my mind), and I really liked the session on social media use, and how to set goals for how I use it. I often think of whether I am using my time and talents in the right way, and one of the presenters is one of the LDS Church's social media producers. She says 90 percent of what is online about the Church is negative. Only 10 percent is positive. They need our help to spread goodness.

Elder and Sister Gong spoke in the concluding session (here is my quick writeup of that). They also have four sons. I am impressed by their dedication to doing good around the world.

Longtime Brazil friends

On JB's mission to Recife, Brazil, he met an incredible family, and has stayed close with them through the years.   Victor also spent time with the Richards family as an exchange student in high school.

Cleto and his wife Ana Marcia are in Salt Lake City for some church training, and Victor and his wife Ariana now go to college in Utah. So on Sunday, they came to church with us, and then we had them all over for dinner.

Victor speaks English very well. Ana Marcia is learning very fast. JB spoke to them almost the whole dinner in Portuguese. I can understand some of his Portuguese because of knowing some Spanish (I really need to brush back up on that).  But love and kindness and laughter and friendship can smooth over any language barriers.

James really wanted to act like a dinosaur, so we said to do a silly picture. Perspective is funny, Max is not almost as tall as Cleto, he was just in the foreground.

They brought a delicious Brazilian dessert, JB made pot roast and funeral potatoes and salad and green beans (mostly on Saturday because of his meetings Sunday), I made my bread and carrot cake. We ate outside in the backyard (no room inside at our table) and it was a beautiful day for it.

First Lagoon trip of the season

(picture borrowed from Collette)

We got out to Lagoon last Saturday for the first time this season, to celebrate curly-haired cousin Spencer's birthday.

Only four cousins are missing in the picture below -- new baby Silas, Carver in AZ, Kate and Harvey in ID, and grumpy nap-less Millie who didn't want to leave her stroller in the corner of the pavilion.

So Max brought the cake and ice cream to her, and fed her bites. He's such a good big brother.

Millie happied up to ride some rides for the first time. Last year I got her on the boats, train and carousel.

These teacups made Andrew ill.  The two older boys went off with their cousins to ride bigger rides, which is quite nice -- we just tell them to keep checking in.

Look at these boys staring at me through the bars.

Millie wasn't so sure about the bouncy part of this ride. I think she was too young for it.

On the way home just about everyone fell asleep in the car. It was a hot day -- 83 or 84 degrees in April, and these boys had already had basketball and baseball in the morning.

I carried James from the floor to his bed. He woke up Sunday morning and said, "Hey, I am wearing my clothes!"