What's in a name?

Some have shared their stories of a strong or sudden spiritual confirmation over a name for their babies. When that happened again about 2 1/2 months ago, I started to doubt myself again and sink back into that sadness and bitterness that if that happened for them and not for me, then it meant I was unloved and unvalued.

I sat in the temple. I pored over obituaries. I looked at new baby posts on strangers' Instagram accounts. Took baby name quizzes online. JB suggested several names. Darling names. But when anyone would ask, I would just have to say, "Well, I have always loved Millie...." almost apologetically.

I thought about this a lot. As I was pondering this one Sunday morning, a scripture entered my mind: "Did I not tell you in your mind and in your heart?"  I went over the teachings of Elder Bednar about spiritual revelation:  some may get one big ah-ha moment. That doesn't mean I need to expect that for me every time. Instead, more often I have a thought that nags me, that keeps coming back. While other things become that "stupor of thought" and leave.

11 years ago when I was early pregnant, I thought: "Millie! I love that name for a girl."  And it never left my mind and heart. It only became closer and more dear to me as I thought about a daughter.

I did have two other moments connected to this that felt very spiritual. Three years ago this summer, I was at the park in Bountiful with my sister-in-law and our new baby boys. I was trying to come to terms with being an all-boy family. As I played some frisbee with my older boys, a little blonde girl came up to join us -- she was so sweet, chatting away with me. I was startled to hear her mother call, "Millie! It's time to go!"  I couldn't believe that was her name out of thousands of names, because maybe it was a sign from God to me.

The second moment came in a dream late last summer, when I was in such a deep depression. Now normally I don't really put much stock in my dreams, because with my sleep schedule I have such random weird dreams -- pandas show up for example.  But one night after crying myself to sleep again, I dreamed I was back at beautiful Bear Lake with my friend Sarah. We were chatting in the kitchen about various things, when she looked directly at me and said, "It's going to be ok."  I felt such peace come over me that I knew it had to be a message from above.

I do regret that I struggled since then to cling to that peace. I was not strong enough to keep trusting God that everything WOULD be ok, and I acted accordingly, especially to family members. I chose fear over faith, instead of faith over fear.  I am writing this all down to help me remember to do better -- to be better -- and to recognize revelation and promptings.

Tuesday morning, JB came back early to the hospital from sleeping overnight at our house (one of us needs to get rest).  And it felt right to be Millie Grace. When I said it out loud I felt a wave of peace. For a time I thought Elizabeth for the middle name, like me, but JB and I talked about God's grace and goodness that He freely gives.  He gave us the grace of this daughter when we thought we'd never have one.

She is perfect, she is so sweet, and I still cannot believe she is ours eternally.

Millie Grace

Born Monday 7:27 pm
8 lbs 3 oz, 21.5 inches long

"She is a miracle. All our babies were sweet, Gilbert, but she is the sweetest."

-Anne of Ingleside, LM Montgomery

The Birth Story

Compared to my little sister, who had a baby on her living room floor two weeks ago, this could be boiled down to "We went to the hospital when they said to come in, and the baby was born that evening." But details are fun, so here they are.

My doctor thought inducing at 39 weeks would be good, based on my age and the fact that James was so large at 40 weeks and had shoulder dystocia. So, my due date was Sunday July 24, and that put induction at the Monday before.

I started having contractions off and on at 38 weeks, and severe back pain Thursday-Saturday that had me barely able to walk. I think she dropped and was sitting on my sciatic nerve. Then it got much better for Sunday and I was able to teach Relief Society.  I half-hoped to go into labor on my own that night and go on in in active labor, but in retrospect things worked out well.

We were able to spend a nice Monday morning with our boys in a relaxed way, without mom in pain rushing out the door and frantically getting the boys to where they needed to be. JB made waffles with strawberries while I kept checking with the hospital just about hourly since 6 AM.  Finally they said to come in at 10, so we took a last picture and went to drop the boys off at Nona and Papa's house, about 5 minutes from the hospital.

I had to be on an antibiotic for four hours at least before the birth, so that got started at 11:20 along with some Pitocin in my IVs. I was already at 2 cm.

I opted to get the epidural while contractions weren't bad, because the anesthesiologist was going to a C-section for 1 1/2 hours. But I wonder if he timed it to be when he thought I would be done? Because things stalled a bit with the pitocin at a lower dose, and I was still at a 7 cm dilated by around 6:30 (they broke my water at 3:30-ish). So they upped the pitocin to get things moving better, but the epidural was wearing off.  I found out later that JB took a picture of this.

Waves of pain - stabbing, searing, strong unbearable pain and pressure that I tried doing the special breathing through. But I felt like I wasn't part of my body anymore. I basically went through transition from a 7 cm to a 9 cm in a haze -- I was shaking and crying. Thank goodness for JB, who helped me calm down and focus, and the anesthesiologist came back and slammed more drugs into my IV just in time to push, but it gave me a numb left leg for the rest of the night.

Dr Laine came, and tons of nurses filled the room just in case, but it only took a few pushes and she was out very easily and safely.

Strong suck and neck control had her rooting around right away.  They left us for a bit to be alone with her. I was still shaking so badly but managed to take a crooked picture of JB.

My brother Joe was apparently waiting outside the door and heard my yells, I found out later. So he came in to meet her after a timely manner. He lives far away and was hanging around longer in town to meet her.

Then we called for our boys and Papa and Nona, because by now it was 8:30 and they had been waiting anxiously all day. This is grandchild #13 on the Richards side, #14 for the Deardeuff side.

She looks like her brothers! Exactly like our other babies.

The nurses were so cute. They came back in after a while of just family time, and let the boys "help" weigh her and check her vitals. Andrew listened to her heart, while James helped take her temperature.

Checking out her fingers.

A family of seven!

Next post is more about her name. We waited until the next day to see her, be with her, pray about it, and make sure we were at peace.

Braced

Our Maxwell now has braces! He also has what's called a Herpst Appliance to bring his lower jaw forward and correct the overjet and overbite. It's like a rod and spring system cemented in his back teeth. Similar to the binator and headgear of yesteryear, but inside the mouth. And non-removable like rubber bands, so we think it should be more effective.

The 5th graders were all getting braces this year. It seems it is being done earlier these days than the tween/teen times that JB and I had our mouth work done.  And our dentist had been telling me for the past couple visits that we should get Max in for a consultation. Three different orthodondists we visited all had different approaches. But in the end, we felt good about the price and approach of the place we are at now.

Max counted down for weeks until it was time to get the stuff all put in. Then the soreness kicked in that night. But he is being very brave, and in the end, he will have a new jawline and straight teeth.

Sum sum summer time

JB is a good dad. The best dad to play with boys who are out of school and have a very pregnant, tired mom.  He takes them on errands or various things while I am at work, or afterward when I am napping. Baby and I appreciate it.  The nausea and fatigue have come back big time.  But I do miss out on seeing them all have fun, so I am glad for all the pictures he sends me from his phone.

He has taken the boys a few times to Lagoon, including the time below where the other two got to each bring a friend. This was after riding Cannibal (which I have been successfully able to nope out of for two summers now).

Last Tuesday all the cousins met at Lagoon.

Papa was exec o' the day, and it was Nona's birthday!

Apparently James kept trying to slip off JB's lap on the intertube and dive into the Lazy River: "I swim, I swim."

Earlier this month JB and our boys had a picnic and playing at Liberty Park.

There are water features there. This below may be my new favorite photo of our four sons.

Recently one late afternoon, JB tossed a frisbee around in the front yard while I sat on the porch and laughed and watched as these three all got sports jerseys on for the big game.

Ben was inside at the time, watching American Ninja Warrior. It's another summer-time obsession. He's been trying to make his own course in the backyard, and came in to tell Andrew that he had finished an obstacle. Andrew dashed outside, then returned sobbing his eyes out: "It's only a bucket by the tree! Waaaaahhhh."

I do hang out in the backyard with the boys a fair amount. I sit in the shade and let them play with water. Uncle Scott comes to work out and exercise with JB, and he is a good bucket-dumper.

Last month JB took the four to a fire safety event/open house.  Soon after this we found James's fire truck bed for sale, so that was perfect timing by capitalizing on his excitement for firefighters.

Besides the firemen hats, they all got new bike helmets for free. And they picked up a pink one for the future (:

At the end of May, JB took the two little boys to the park for swinging. That's when the weather was cooler and they wore pants. I wish I remembered what cooler weather felt like!

Jazz Summer League

This week the Jazz held summer league games. JB and the big boys were able to go to almost all of them.

Papa was there. So was Uncle Joe Preston, but in other seats.

On the next night:

This was also during all the free agent trades, so basketball discussions and poring over the sports section again became a big thing in our house for the boys. Meanwhile, I have been tracking some of the Jazz players' and coaches' wives on Instagram, because several are having babies this summer and I feel like the mommas and I could be friends.

These are my favorite pictures from their Summer League experiences:

Flying high!

July 4

Our neighborhood July 4 breakfast and bike parade again did not disappoint. It felt bigger this year, too. More crowds. People coming back to the neighborhood I think.

James did not drive his little car through the long route, but did want to play in it while we waited at our house to go to the starting point.  I picked this picture because he is rubbing his belly button again.

Max with his Ripstik at the line-up point behind the fire truck and vehicles.

I sat on the sidelines this year. This momma too hot and waddly and uncomfortable to go all the way down to the end and then have to come back up. So I was able to see my boys come by.

Ben zipped by too fast for a good picture. At the end of the parade, the fire truck sprays water, and there's cotton candy and popcorn and festivities. Andrew came back crying because the water had washed all his crepe paper off his bike.

That night the big boys went to Jazz Summer League games with JB, and the littles and I went to bed on time (7:30 or 8 pm (I worked the next day)). But those fireworks were so loud, I should have just gotten out of bed and gone to watch. Sure sounded like the neighbors were doing a shock and awe campaign.

Getting ready

The baby is coming this month.  We have a pink room! With a chandelier! And I love love love love it.

JB started Saturday morning.  Look at those four blond heads watching him, enthralled with the process.

They really wanted to "help." 

So I took them all on errands for a few hours. A haircut for James, Costco, lunch, the library.  At Costco we ran into my OB/GYN and all the boys told her about "Daddy painting the room PINK!"  We came back and JB had a first coat on the walls. Here's something I made for the wall:

And I found this small cross stitch I made several years ago, put it in a frame and put it on the shelf in that room.

And then yesterday JB put a beautiful chandelier in to the light fixture just like a professional electrician would. The basketball light of 11 years won't fit into either of the boys' bedrooms downstairs with their low ceilings, but if we ever move or remodel it can go back up. I'm not saying this girl won't like or won't play basketball (because she probably will, and that's awesome); it just felt like a nice thing to put up something fancy.

The boys are anxious to see the baby. We found out on Thanksgiving Day, announced it Christmas Day, and are due Pioneer Day. This is a long time, people! 

Andrew really wants to go to the hospital with us when it is time, "to see how it all works," he said.   He is very curious about that. I try to explain things in general terms for a 5-year-old's ears, but...yeah.  He also wants to know what color the baby's hair will be. JB said: "Probably blond, like all of us." Andrew:  "But mommy's hair is not blond, it's brown. But I did see a picture of her when she dyed her hair blond." Haha.  Andrew by the way once talked about a sister named she-gator two years ago in this post.

James sings the Daniel Tiger refrain, "You can be a big helper, in your family" and he says he will be a good big brother by bringing the baby her bottles.  This from the boy who breastfed until he was around 23 months old.  Hey, I thought he was my last, I couldn't give it up.

I started non-stress tests at the doctor's office this past week. I have to go in weekly until the baby is born and sit in a recliner and they listen to the baby's heartbeat. "Older mom" stuff. This girl moves so much, you can often see my whole stomach move and lurch and ripple. It reminds me a lot of my 2nd pregnancy, with Ben.

Heartburn, spit, can't sleep well, can't move well, hot -- very hot. All complaints I could say a lot, but I really am so grateful for this opportunity to take part in the miracle of bringing a baby into the world.