on grief

Last week, my brother Joe and his wife Susan lost their longed-for baby boy too soon.  20 weeks and four days. Her water suddenly broke a week earlier, and we prayed and fasted for a miracle.

The boys asked me about it often as we went through that whole week. Then I had to find the words to tell my children that their cousin Gavin had been born despite everything, and then he passed away after an hour.

So tiny, so perfect.

Joe and Susan are heartbroken.

What can you do in the face of such sorrow and grief? What can you say? I cannot make this better.

On Friday will be a graveside memorial service for this tiny baby. Several siblings and my parents are coming in from out-of-state.

Over the years I have done a lot of pondering on prayer. Why bad things still happen despite all our pleadings to God. Is there a trick to prayer to make the outcome different?

I know He listens to our prayers, but I wish I knew why some are answered and some are not.

I know He is in charge, but he's not a puppetmaster. We are here to experience all that mortality offers.

I know there are times when I have seen and felt the comfort He gives, when the timing is different than I have wanted.

Sometimes I try to see the end from the beginning, like, "Ok, this is why this is happening, to learn such-and-such lesson, or to help so-and-so, or whatever." I try also to jump to feeling better, or making it better for someone who is hurting. Stuffing the sad feelings down.

My coworker, who is Orthodox Christian, pointed out that, yes, Christ will not leave us comfortless, but now is not the time for me to be pouring out empty words of comfort. Now is a time to grieve.

And that's ok for now.

Head bonk

Millie Grace...is not very graceful right now. She is head-heavy like toddlers are, and feels no sense of danger.

One Monday a couple weeks ago she stood up in her stroller, and it tipped her right over onto the driveway.  It was so sad.

It was a big big goose egg and scrape, even after I iced it for a while. I was only able to hold the icepack there and to calm her crying by nursing her (even though I am trying to cut back on the nursing).

The next day the swelling was down but the scrape was showing up (I kept texting pictures to my mom and sisters so that's why I have a daily look at it).

This is the third or fourth day as it scabbed over.

By Saturday at Andrew's baseball game it was getting better.

And by the next Monday it was disappearing.

But she has a pink spot of new skin there still today. One woman asked if it was a birthmark/stork bite.  

Spring Sing for James

Jamesy did a great job in his preschool's annual Spring Sing. We have been in this room for Ben at age 3 and then again at age 4 (then no more 3 year old program) and for Andrew at age 4. I imagine Millie will go to this same preschool in two years and three months.

His part had to do with the elephant:

It's great to be an elephant

All big and fat and round,

And wander through the jungle

Just elphing around

JB was on a 2-night camping trip in Southern Utah with some guy friends (a yearly event) but we recorded everything for him. Then we had treats on the playground.

Elephants were my favorite animal growing up, I couldn't help but take this picture.

I was worried that James would melt down or refuse to speak or sing or whatever, but he was so sweet and good and smiley. His preschool teacher Miss Mindy says he does a great job with her. Maybe she can give me tips. Come to our house.

At any rate, he and I have started to go to counseling/play therapy once a week because I have been in tears too many times to count over his behavior in our home and to our family. He has so much anger, so many outbursts, so much tantruming. I am praying we can turn a corner soon.

Shopping buddies

These squeakers are JB's shopping buddies.  After the big boys go to school on Mondays, JB often goes grocery shopping for the week.

Or, he'll wait until James goes to Preschool on Tues,Wed,Thurs and just takes Millie-girl.

Then he sends me pictures of them, because our children are so cute.

I think they are well-behaved for him. I know it stresses me out to take James because he asks to buy everything he sees and gets mad at me when I keep repeating "Not today."

It is easier to shop alone. I get the feeling that when school ends in 10 days, almost 13-year-old Maxwell might have some one-hour babysitting jobs at home for errand-running.

James bike riding

James has had a Strider bike for a couple years, and has scuffed the toes of many shoes along the way. 

Last month, I picked up a bike for my brother that he found on the online classifieds, and it was ours for a week or two before Joe came up to claim it. It was just James's size, and he just took off pedaling. 

It only took a time or two of me helping him start and stop and me running down the sidwalk behind him. This is in contrast to a lot longer process for the other boys. My neighbor commented on how many springs she has seen me running up and down this sidewalk behind a bike.

I am a believer in the pedal-less balance bike now. It was an easy jump to a regular bike with no training wheels. But now he doesn't want to use the next size up that we have, he liked Kaylee's bike. It's ok, he still fits the Strider.

Softball

JB is on a softball team again this year, and for the first time in what fees like a few years, we were able to go watch him play during an earlier game Thursday night.

This view of these two boys watching their dad play, took me right back to when they were itty bitty and we used to watch him play all the time. Like in April 2008 and July 2008 with a Baby Benny and toddler Maxwell and my old flip phone camera.  Or July 2012 at this same stadium with my stair-step three boys at the time.

Now we have another boy, and a little girl to watch daddy. And play on the playground (another post is coming about that sad forehead bonk you can see).

Lunch dates

Do you know what's really fun? Seeing your kids in their element, among their little people.

Back in March, after flying to Seattle for the weekend funeral, I had Monday off work, so I used it to go visit two of my boys at school and eat lunch with them (I wouldn't have made it to the middle school for Max this time).

Andrew thrives off of making people laugh and joking with his friends. I was amazed that he finished his food.

I brought lunch for James and Millie and me. James was thrilled to have a Capri Sun of his own (he always begs for them but I rarely give in). Millie must have been stuffing her cheeks with something yummy below.

Then we went out to play with Andrew on the playground with the rest of the first graders. When the bell rang and he ran back inside, it was time for the fourth-grade lunch and we went back in to be with Ben and then back outside to play with him.  This is the only picture I grabbed, of him playing basketball with a group of boys. He ate quite quickly so he could get out to the court.

He sometimes comes home with scraped or bruised elbows or knees. I have also had to mend a lot of Andrew's pants from his play. That's ok, it's a good thing!