What's in a name?

Some have shared their stories of a strong or sudden spiritual confirmation over a name for their babies. When that happened again about 2 1/2 months ago, I started to doubt myself again and sink back into that sadness and bitterness that if that happened for them and not for me, then it meant I was unloved and unvalued.

I sat in the temple. I pored over obituaries. I looked at new baby posts on strangers' Instagram accounts. Took baby name quizzes online. JB suggested several names. Darling names. But when anyone would ask, I would just have to say, "Well, I have always loved Millie...." almost apologetically.

I thought about this a lot. As I was pondering this one Sunday morning, a scripture entered my mind: "Did I not tell you in your mind and in your heart?"  I went over the teachings of Elder Bednar about spiritual revelation:  some may get one big ah-ha moment. That doesn't mean I need to expect that for me every time. Instead, more often I have a thought that nags me, that keeps coming back. While other things become that "stupor of thought" and leave.

11 years ago when I was early pregnant, I thought: "Millie! I love that name for a girl."  And it never left my mind and heart. It only became closer and more dear to me as I thought about a daughter.

I did have two other moments connected to this that felt very spiritual. Three years ago this summer, I was at the park in Bountiful with my sister-in-law and our new baby boys. I was trying to come to terms with being an all-boy family. As I played some frisbee with my older boys, a little blonde girl came up to join us -- she was so sweet, chatting away with me. I was startled to hear her mother call, "Millie! It's time to go!"  I couldn't believe that was her name out of thousands of names, because maybe it was a sign from God to me.

The second moment came in a dream late last summer, when I was in such a deep depression. Now normally I don't really put much stock in my dreams, because with my sleep schedule I have such random weird dreams -- pandas show up for example.  But one night after crying myself to sleep again, I dreamed I was back at beautiful Bear Lake with my friend Sarah. We were chatting in the kitchen about various things, when she looked directly at me and said, "It's going to be ok."  I felt such peace come over me that I knew it had to be a message from above.

I do regret that I struggled since then to cling to that peace. I was not strong enough to keep trusting God that everything WOULD be ok, and I acted accordingly, especially to family members. I chose fear over faith, instead of faith over fear.  I am writing this all down to help me remember to do better -- to be better -- and to recognize revelation and promptings.

Tuesday morning, JB came back early to the hospital from sleeping overnight at our house (one of us needs to get rest).  And it felt right to be Millie Grace. When I said it out loud I felt a wave of peace. For a time I thought Elizabeth for the middle name, like me, but JB and I talked about God's grace and goodness that He freely gives.  He gave us the grace of this daughter when we thought we'd never have one.

She is perfect, she is so sweet, and I still cannot believe she is ours eternally.